The March Of The Podophiles

“Michael and James, what will they say on the podcast today? The answer is precious little.”

Michael and James looked absolutely astonished that the entire crowd was singing the theme tune, dissolved into fits, and cut the playout of the jingle to let everyone carry on. A good way to start the podcast I’m sure you’ll agree.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. You’ve seen the #preciouslittle hashtag on my tweets but have been either too scared or disinterested to ask me what it is.

Well, I’ll tell you. Precious Little started around 40 weeks ago after a drunken conversation Michael Legge (Michael) and James Hingley (James) had in a bar at the Edinburgh festival. 2 podcasts are released most weeks – the main one usually lasting an hour or so, followed by a mini one a few days later. Basically it’s 2 men sitting in a room and talking. It started out with a very similar vibe to Collings & Herrin (dismissively referred to as “The T-shirt Salesmen” but over the months has developed into something very different. We have been introduced to ghost hippos, upsetting stories on trains, catchphrases – “What’s WROOOONG”, and James’ mum’s infamous bucket.

But who ARE Michael and James? Michael is a stand up comedian who has written an almost daily blog which is an essential read. Nothing much is known about James, but his mum does keep the house very tidy and he has very nice hair. James has never been photographed. In fact the image at the top of this blog shows what happens when it’s tried.

As the weeks wore on, M&J had an idea. To record the 40th podcast in a cellar in front of 40 podcast fans (or podophiles for short). Invites were applied for, emails were sent out and like a cold war spy drama various codes on twitter were used so that only we special people would know where it was.

It was at The Phoenix. Everyone was shocked.

I arranged to meet up with a group of podophiles at The Old Explorer just opposite, where @Neal55 and I often enjoy fish finger sandwiches. We had about 10 people join us there. I may forget people, but there was Vicky Harsehole, Barry Skellern, Ian, Neal Peters, Neale Hitchiner, Nicola Woolhouse (and big thanks to her for putting these pics in the public domain so I could steal them!), Graham Lock, Mister_Boris, and Sven. If I have forgotten you, please let me know and I’ll make sure you’re added.
We went over to the Phoenix and met up with the now legendary William Tennant and awaited further instructions.

As you can see from the picture opposite, certain podophiles clearly loathed each other.

Now, Neal and I had a good idea that Collings and/or Herrin may be appearing as they let slip a little clue on their previous podcast. We already had biscuits for The Gentleman’s review, had a whipround for M&J’s drinks, so we got some Haribo and Oat Milk for the special guests. But then the sad tweet came through from Collings: “I will be with you in spirit. In other words, I won’t be there”. What the hell was I going to do with a litre of chocolate oat milk ?
We were called downstairs where the podcast was being recorded and we found our seats. Which is where we started.

Pam Ayers, aka “@mushybees” performed some of her poetry to get the crowd warmed up which seemed to go down very well, but as Michael later pointed out, 2pm on a Sunday is a very unusual time for Madeleine McCann jokes.

The podcast was done completely live and had a similar feel to a regular podcast. Precious little is fairly interactive anyway, but Michael seemed to thrive in front of a live audience, and surprisingly, James did too. The two were at their best today. Along the way we had to deal with the tragic story of Lauren who couldn’t come in as she was only 17 (although there was another 17 year old lad in attendance!), Mushybees’ youthful antics with Raoul Moat, and of course The Gentleman’s Review who I have only recently got into. The hour and a bit flew by, and we were given an official 5 minute break before the recording of the mini podcast.

This was dedicated to the “last ever” “Fuck-A-Thing”. Michael has been doing FAT on Twitter for some time now which inevitably ends in Michael losing a number of followers as he retweets any answers that he finds funny and annoys the people who arent playing the game. Today’s FAT was “If you had to fuck a sitcom, which sitcom would it be?” Jingle Jim (aka me) was summoned to the stage where he rather nervously at first strummed his uke and started bellowing the tune. Luckily for him, all the podos and I think most people on stage shrieked along. Apologies to Martin Wolfenden for performing this with my arse in his face.

The answers were read out.  “Two And A Half Men” seemed to be popular (though I have never heard of it). I thought mine was great. “I’d fuck Hi-De-Hi –  I’d give Peggy a good yellow coat” although no one seemed to understand it. i found the Gent’s Review and Precious Little boys’ surprisingly naive lack of knowledge of watersports rather charming.

Then, it was all over.

Not really. the next six hours were spent boozing. first at The Phoenix, before a hardcore crowd went to The Blue Posts in Newman Street where Michael’s prediction that there would be no body there was literally correct! We had an entire pub to ourselves. We could have just done the podcast there and saved all that walking time.

Next venue was an unusual choice. We went for a drink at The Royal Festival Hall. It was lovely and en route, Hitch’s pineapple was dispatched into the Thames. He also appeared to have broken one of my uke strings though he firmly denied it. I had resented that uke as I had to carry it around everywhere. Now I had had a number of drinks and things were getting hazy. I decided to set it on fire.

It didn’t want to burn.

I heard the name “Jimi Hendrix” and I ordered Hitch to destroy the fucking thing. I was rather disappointed that the first two bashes on the concrete floor weren’t enough to do the job, but delighted that the third blow smashed it into a number of pieces held together with the remaining strings. I was then disappointed again as the security people didn’t enjoy our larks and gave me quite a ticking off.

I apologised like a scared girl.

I soon received a few tweets about this. Most people were utterly horrified that this had happened. However I had offered my uke to anyone that would listen for a measly tenner. I was already bored and annoyed with it before we left (or even arrived at) The Phoenix. No one wanted it. So who are the real villains of the piece? Me and Hitch, who ruthlessly destroyed it on a cold  hard floor? Or the tight fisted bastards who wouldn’t give me a tenner? I think we all know the answer to that.

Anyway, have a listen yourself !

Precious Little Podcast 40 (Live)
Precious Little Podcast 40.5 (Live – Fuck A Thing)

And I still have the fucking oat milk.

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2 thoughts on “The March Of The Podophiles

  1. No problem re the photos. And I do not loathe Ashley! He is brilliant, you cheeky photo taking swine!

    It was a great day, but yes the uke moment was a little terrifying. Oh and I wasn't asked to buy it, I would have! (rather than see that happen to it).

    Great account of the day Andy. x

  2. It wasn't a tenner when you were offering it to me, it was £15. Which I didn't have on me.

    Anyway, I've bought one from a shop now, so who's the arse?

    Oh…

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