It Looks Like Something Harold Wilson Would Shit In

I was going to do a blog about the October LQC show, but I just didn’t get around to it. It’s now fading fast from my memory, so roughly it was grub at Old Explorer, the vegan fisherman with no food for his starving Paul Lichfield toddler, We Need Attention,  Collins and Herring in attendance,  Caroline Mabey, pork eye / poor guy (shades of Jimi Hendrix there), Ladies and gentlemen… please welcome… Miss Barbara Toronto, Colin Hoult’s ex army character Andy “ don’t worry I’m not gonna do any of that poofy stuff” Parker, portraits of TMNTs, Jeremy Limb’s new radio sitcom “Down The Pole”, drinking upstairs, perhaps slightly offending Muki by telling her that although I enjoyed the night as always, I had seen the Cvnts do better shows, and going home.


Anyway November has arrived and so did a tube strike. This would not deter the Cvnts. Nor me. I got on a trusty number 73 bus and ended up snarled up in traffic in Pentonville Road. I got off the bus and walked to Kings Cross and found the entrance to the tube was shut. Seems that even KX had been affected by the strike. The bus caught up with me after 10 minutes and I got back on, only to get off again in Gower Street when I got off again. I walked to the Olde Explorer..


I know it’s a boring start to this blog, but it was also a boring start to the evening, so tough. I was also going to write a “then I got off the bus” joke but couldn’t really be bothered.


Met up for grub with Neal, Graham, Roop, and we were finally joined by Hitch. Turns out Hitch managed to tube it from Kings Cross to Oxford Circus and it was fine all along. They had just shut my entrance, so that slightly irked me. Last time I saw Hitch he was smashing my ukulele to bits (I was informed last month by Graham that actually missed the ground with one of his Paul Simenon strikes. Now that I would have liked to have seen !)


Anyway, on we went to the Phoenix and outside bumped into the ever lovely cvnt Paul Litchfield. He seemed visibly excited when I told him of Hitch’s “Belm” T-shirt. I had already had to get Hitch to explain what it meant as I haven’t listened to as much of The Trap as I should.

The Cvnts came on and we were soon straight into hardcore political satire involving spending cuts (they had to drop Dan from their workforce.). This was followed by a sketch involving Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta being told by her agent to choose a new name for her career (luckily Michael explained this was Lady Gaga’s real name.) This had shades of Eddie Izzard’s Englebert Humperdink routine, with Michael suggesting many and varied ideas to Stefani (Paul) most of which he hadn’t heard, which led to much corpsing to our delight. Amongst many suggestions were:

  • Patrick Troughton
  • Jug Norris
  • Arthur Vagina
  • Michael J Badger
  • Professor Dress
  • That Little Arab Boy
  • Bank Piss
  • Titty
  • Little Chip

which ended with an amazing “poltical twist” involving the punchline “Tony Blairs”


Mr Nougat (real name Arnold Bawden) went down a storm. Arnold is an extremely bitter old children’s entertainer from the music hall era tormented by the lovely, silly, dotty Mr Nougat “I am in a muddle”. If the Cvnts read this, make sure you bring him back for another show.


We were teated to a new TV panel show “Mock The Antiques” where Dan Mersh’s temporary replacement Aisling Bea played a rather posh lady trying to get her antiques valued while Paul’s Russell “That would be weird, wouldn’t it” Howard and Michael’s Andy “It looks like something Gordon Brown would shit in” Parsons. This Andy Parsons got one of the biggest laughs of the night and I would definitely lie to see him again! Michael’s costume was very well put together comprising of a post it note with the word “bald” written on it, and Andy’s topical references moving further back in time was a great touch.

I think I speak for everyone to say how glad I was to see the return of Sean Goldsworthy, Cornwall’s 4th most erotic purveyor of online “eroticker”. Listening to his story of Jack Shield provided many laughs and slight arousal. 

“Some say his mother had been struck by lightning. Other people didn’t say that”



Robin Ince came on after the break to a now traditional dance from the Cvnts. Robin quite surprisingly managed to remain quite non-plussed by this lunacy and launched into his fantastically shambolic rambling routine. As usual, he only got through about 3 of his cards out of an entire handful.

Now – a note for your diary. 21st November sees “Edinburgh In A Day” at The Phoenix – a benefit for Shelter – running from 2pm onwards which promises a fantastic line up including Robin Ince and Michael Legge’s “Pointless Anger, Righteous Ire”, as well as 2 BIG name comedians to open and close the show. Follow Michael on Twitter to get updates about this as they happen.

See you there! 

Oh – Los Quattros Cvnts have a Facebook group. Don’t be a cunt, be a cvnt and join it now.

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