Freezing My Balls Off At #ACMS

The New Red Lion was cold. This tent in a warehouse was positively Siberian. I arranged to meet Rob and Richard here at opening time and after being a bit lost, discovered Rob Sedgebeer and he guided me safely to the almost impossible to find venue. A few other people seemed to have been in the wrong queue at a different venue too!

Isy Sutie & Nadia Kamil

Thom Tuck and John Luke Roberts opened proceedings at the Alternative Comedy Memorial Society by explaining the list of permitted heckles to us. These range from “We appreciate what you are trying to do” to “Would you like a woman to help with that”, but no other heckles are allowed. One new one did make the list though after the microphones initially failed to work: “It’s like Norman Collier”.

Ben Target started the show by being hazed and being painted by a man with a roller on the end of his trombone.  He gave us sweets but warned us not to eat them. We didn’t!

Tony Law

There was Nadia Kamil who was just learning guitar performing a song dedicated to her step mum, oops, sorry, I mean her dad’s girlfriend – they are NOT getting married – ably assisted by Isy Sutie resplendent in Cher wig, bat wing top and leopard print mini dress and heels.

There was the always astounding Tony Law with his new African Elephant / Indian Elelphant / Morgan Freeman Elephant telling the story of 2 elephant’s walking into a bar from both the human and elephant angle, ending with an extended Stewart Lee style conversation with himself.

Sara Pascoe and Boris Johnson (aka me)

There was Sara Pascoe, who was discussing the mayoral elections who came on as Mr Bean before revealing that she wasn’t really, then pulling me on stage to be Boris Johnson. Another fellow was chosen to be Boris’s opponent, Ken Johnson, but what hope did either of us have against “tiny mole”. I even lost the race to the seats opposite, though did get to say a lovely poem.

There was a surly “French poet”, Marcel Lu Cont, who taught us about sex and sexual positions. Unfortunately I have forgotten the name of Phill Jupitus’s character who worked with all the greats from Sean Connery to Walt Disney (who plagiarised him) taking questions from the floor.

Phill Jupitus

Martin White sang a song about all the songs you can never really remember the words to, called “Something Something Something In The Morning”, and the show was headlined by Howard Read and Little Howard who were fantastic. Big Howard reminds me in a way of Lee Mack, and this is a new spin on what would have been a ventriloquist act if it had happened even 10 years ago. Poor Little Howard. He had invited his “differently visible” duck friend that Big Howard just didn’t seem to like. Little Howard ended the evening with another Q&A session, which was ambitious in its technical scope, but worked just fine.

#ACMS is moving on, and will next be in Shepherds Bush next month. I just hope this venue has some form of heating!

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